My Mind

I think of you almost every day.
I don't know why, you never went out of your way.
I try to forget about you as much as I can
It is hard when I dream of you being my forever man
I could never admit my love but I only care
Because I was afraid it would be a scare
I guess it never matter because you got your way
Holding onto your dark past emotions that kept me away
I learned to accept your mistrust in people
But I had to learn that my body is my temple
And my mind knows you cannot respect my way
Maybe my heart should keep you  far far away

Angel You See In Me

I try to be that angel you see in me
However the devil is how I want to be
My soul has been trampled and abused enough
I cannot be that angel that is forgiving and tough
I look and look for peace of the heart
But the devil in me wants to rip every traitors' soul apart
I cannot shake it off my shoulder or is this truly me
Because I am not the angel you want me to be
If the devil is running the land; am I serving him on Earth
When I leave this un-Godly land; will  he accept my death's rebirth
I seek and seek for the many answers that ponders in my mind
But I cannot help that the devil has made me so blind
I will keep trying to be the angel you see in me
But unless I leave this Earth it may never be

To Be-In-Love Again

Every day  I think how my life continues to unfold. I don't know where it will go. I am always changing the direction because I get bored so easily. But the hardest part of my life is trying to fall-in-love again. I have fallen-in-love three times in my life. I wanted to fall-in-love with a fourth man but I couldn't allow myself tumble into the well of despair of hurt and disappointments.  However, I continue to search but I just don't connect like I had connected with the fourth person. He felt the closest to my soul mate but I had to let him go because he was living in darkness. I am trying to live in the light. I may not live in the light every day but I don't allow the dark to dictate how I live.

I have decided that I am going to look more into my spiritual being.  Hopefully, I can express it through the art of photography and painting.

I hope this year I will find my true soul mate. Knowing me, I would push him off to the side (which I am famous for) because I can't handle other people's issues too well.

A Ball of Sadness

I feel a ball of sadness now almost every day. I had this ball of sadness before. To be honest, I had it many times usually when I feel the pain of lies and deceit. Then old feelings like hurt, pain, anger, hate, loss, sadness, and confusions rolls up up the surface  like a snow ball but it makes a monstrous looking  snow woman.

I want these balls of sadness to melt away. I know it won't go away completely because it is part of life.  But the same people continue to give it to me. I can't understand why I can't forgive. I guess I am looking for a satisfactory  answer that I will never receive. I can't accept lies and deception for selfish-gain and momentarily gratification on my expense.

I have all these positive things in my life that I call my blessings. However, the deceivers want to invade my space that brings this ring of circles. I tried to add the math....2 + 2 = ....but it manages to equal a -5.

After feeling a week of despair, today, February 8th, 2011, my truck got hit by a van as I was waiting to turn into my job site. After realizing the blessings that I received because the accident could have been worse. The lady hit the back of my truck trying to go around me, then she hit the guardrail then almost hit a car in the other lane and managed to stop. Her son hurt his head and her infant girl was still asleep. This accident made all the the ring of circles of life's disappoints just disappear.

My Peace Will Know

(MySpace Blog Oct 29, 2006 )

My heart has fallen into deep despair

It had left my body and spirit in a complete tear

I attempt to crawl out with all my might

But I had lost the power to give it a fight

My hands are embedded with glass and dirt

The burning tears drip into puddles of sorrow and hurt

Refilling my heart with anguish and suffrage

There aren't any smiles or laughs that can give coverage

So I walk on Earth as a dead lost soul

When I stop walking on land, is then my peace will know

The Lie

(MySpace Blog Nov 1, 2006 )

You told me a lie to make me upset and furious

Knowingly that it would cause my mind to become delirious

After your plan fumbled, you want me to forgive what you have began

How could I forgive when you have become a different man

You mislead my heart and my stable mind

Into a life that keeps me blind

As I hold onto the love and hate that still cause so much hurt

I have to take my dying love and pound it under a ton of dirt

It kills my hope and dreams having the perfect fairytale books

Because you think life is better with other lady cooks

Men Are Assholes

(MySpace Blog Nov 24, 2006 )

Men are Assholes

Not all men, but I think most are assholes. I haven't met one guy who haven't shown their true colors.
Unfortunately, I don't want to waste my time dating a man then finding out he is an asshole.
Most men are better as friends than long-term relationships, but unfortunately, us dumb-ass women feel the need to have family because our biological clock is ticking.
I tell my 30 something friends that we should have  dated 30 something old men when we were in our 20's then we may have been married and we wouldn't have to deal with them acting stupid or trying to re-live their 20's. They would be serious and ready to settle down unless they are just  partiers.
Maybe we should have dated the Bill Gates in high school and college instead of the bad boys who have to sleep with every woman to feel like their dick is bigger than the next guys. Then we don't have to deal with weeding out the lies from the actual truth.
Maybe we should have dated the goofy-looking big eared guy who had a beautiful personality but we couldn't deal with the peer pressure of our girl-friends.
If we dated these guys, maybe we wouldn't be alone, cheated on, lied to, disrespected, and actually be happy.
But if we turn back time, we wouldn't have the children that we do have. They are the only blessings that come out of it. However, it is never to late to meet the geeks and dumbo-looking men.
Food for thought.

My Husband Will...

(MySpace Blog Aug 7, 2007)

*be my friend first then become my best friend
*support me in my dreams and passion
*be considerate and respectful to me and my needs
*know that the small things make me happy
*look at my children like they are their world too and not any different
*be a man that I can trust with my deepest thoughts and would never leave his lips
*be the love of my life and spirit
*think that I am perfect even with my King Kong feet.
*understand that I need to be with my girls and my space
*tell me how much he loves me through actions and words
*make me laugh and smile
*give me his shoulder when I do cry
*help me become a better person with his knowledge and experience
*make love to me like it is his first time
*treat me like I am the BOMB

On The Hunt or Not

(MySpace Blog 9/9/07)

Yesterday, I was talking to my married friends. My friend's brother-in-law drove up with a friend who apparently was trying to get my attention. Now, I felt uncomfortable because he was peacocking in front of my kids.

And my friends were like "enjoy being single" because their men are getting on their nerves so badly that it is exhausting them. Now they will not leave their men but they talk like if they have divorced they will date a man nothing like them.

It is ashamed that being single is being more desirable and relationships are being discouraged by my friends.

Now my friends with men, they are actually good women. They are not some tramps or cheat on their husband or boyfriends. They are "good" girls. They are not unreasonable in their demands like spend more time with the kids, do more family activities, have couple's time, and be more understanding to their needs to have a break. These women are tired of feeling like single mothers in a marriage (or live-in relationship).

I am going through the same struggles as them. The difference is, I don't have a man nagging in my ear or telling me where to go or not to go. I do not miss those days.

I am free to be with anyone I please and come into my life without guilt.

Nobody wants to be alone, but I will be alone if it means the relationship is exhausting me. If I have to spend my time occupied thinking of what "he" is doing. Or, why he hasn't called yet? Read the article before.

When I start a book, I read it until I finish. I won't start reading another one. I thought I had found a great book, but it became a short story. Then, I read the cover of another book, it end up becoming a flyer.

Regardless, which book I am reading, I always hoped at happily ever after regardless if it is a short story or a novel, but it just seems mine have not.

So I will still look at the cover, but I am going to shop around and not read it from front to back before I pick up another.