The Understanding

I try to see the "good" in people but it is hard to see the light of good when some people carry a black heart.

It wears me out that I have slowly become holding this dark feelings that the dark hearts loved to share with me.

It has been extremely hard for me to move forward without feeling that I may hurt people on the way.

My dark lustful ways have taken over in my dreams that I cannot control. It has become a deep desire that would not be acceptable in the  reality. It will only cause pain and deception. It is sinful and immoral. That is something I refuse to be. Or maybe it is me.

It is hard to love and to believe. These do not exist any more. If I began to believe in love then it becomes a dark trap in me. It may feel like "everything" but it eventually falls into "nothing" because I see the world differently with a large eye in the center of my forehead. I see this world in my dreams. People, places, lovers, children, friends.....but mostly....me... (continue...maybe)

THE FORGOTTEN BOY

What a man you have been?
A man who points at another man's sin
Taking credit for what you have done
But repeating the same sin that the other man begun
Taking arms with another love in your life
And claiming that one day she will be your wife
But she doesn't realize that she has been number 4 or maybe five
Knowing all this information may give her an ungodly hive
However, I don't feel sorry for her slow mind
Because she has proven that she is not blind
You are filled with hate, anger and lies
So you deserve the love that the Devil doesn't cries
Because the Devil knows, the Angel you left could bring you peace and joy
Instead, he has become the forgotten boy.

FACEBOOK AKA FAKEBOOK

My best friend and I engaged in a conversation in regards to Facebook. Originally, I was invited to join by my, then, middle school nephew. I figured to ignore the request since we both had MySpace. Most of us were using MySpace to promote and share information. Plus, Facebook looked boring. Finally, a former co-worker requested me to join if I wanted to remain in contact since she moved. So I decided to join because I "thought" I wanted to remain contact with her, but I ended up deleting her in less than a year. So people found me from my past life to my present life. And I also had a crazy female stalker send me a nasty message that had nothing to do with me except her obsession for my daughter and her father. The difference, I had his child and she married him knowingly he never really loved her.

Of course, let not forget my male stalkers. I rejected in person but I guess they wanted to look at my photos. But I am a kind person. Then, it hit me. People read my materials and thought I was entertaining but they never responded. Then, they would find me and whine to me. I could go on. But what is worst, your enemies of your past wanted to be your present Facebook friend. Yeah, we have grown up, but we hadn't grown up that much.

Needless to say, I got rid of it. But I missed my closest friends to share my photos and stories. So I created a new account under an AKA. I had people of my present familiar or familiar ideas. But it repeated itself again, however, the difference was, I liked my friends and became slowly to dislike them.

Unless you are spreading a message, promoting a business or oneself, a needy person, or just a nosey person, it isn't for an opinionated person.

I had a former friend tell me that she liked to be friends with her exes so she could look at their pages. Basically, she told me,"I hope the bastard is miserable and have ugly women for leaving me or doing me wrong". Me, I have no interest of any of my exes returning in my life. They were an ex for a reason. NOT MY PROBLEM.

To my original subject, I sit in class and I see people looking at their Facebook that is free and not paying attention in class that cost, lets see, $80 per credit. Boys are stalking girls. Girls are stalking boys and girls. Who knows! But every person I talk to with a Facebook is talking about someone. I am guilty of it more recently. Like I said, my opinion have left the social network.

I don't beleive in being fake. And Facebook has become it. Fake people. Your real friends do not need a Facebook to keep you updated, it is called an email or a phone call. After I get rid of my 2nd Facebook account, I know which people on my list who will call me.

My Mind

I think of you almost every day.
I don't know why, you never went out of your way.
I try to forget about you as much as I can
It is hard when I dream of you being my forever man
I could never admit my love but I only care
Because I was afraid it would be a scare
I guess it never matter because you got your way
Holding onto your dark past emotions that kept me away
I learned to accept your mistrust in people
But I had to learn that my body is my temple
And my mind knows you cannot respect my way
Maybe my heart should keep you  far far away

Angel You See In Me

I try to be that angel you see in me
However the devil is how I want to be
My soul has been trampled and abused enough
I cannot be that angel that is forgiving and tough
I look and look for peace of the heart
But the devil in me wants to rip every traitors' soul apart
I cannot shake it off my shoulder or is this truly me
Because I am not the angel you want me to be
If the devil is running the land; am I serving him on Earth
When I leave this un-Godly land; will  he accept my death's rebirth
I seek and seek for the many answers that ponders in my mind
But I cannot help that the devil has made me so blind
I will keep trying to be the angel you see in me
But unless I leave this Earth it may never be

To Be-In-Love Again

Every day  I think how my life continues to unfold. I don't know where it will go. I am always changing the direction because I get bored so easily. But the hardest part of my life is trying to fall-in-love again. I have fallen-in-love three times in my life. I wanted to fall-in-love with a fourth man but I couldn't allow myself tumble into the well of despair of hurt and disappointments.  However, I continue to search but I just don't connect like I had connected with the fourth person. He felt the closest to my soul mate but I had to let him go because he was living in darkness. I am trying to live in the light. I may not live in the light every day but I don't allow the dark to dictate how I live.

I have decided that I am going to look more into my spiritual being.  Hopefully, I can express it through the art of photography and painting.

I hope this year I will find my true soul mate. Knowing me, I would push him off to the side (which I am famous for) because I can't handle other people's issues too well.

A Ball of Sadness

I feel a ball of sadness now almost every day. I had this ball of sadness before. To be honest, I had it many times usually when I feel the pain of lies and deceit. Then old feelings like hurt, pain, anger, hate, loss, sadness, and confusions rolls up up the surface  like a snow ball but it makes a monstrous looking  snow woman.

I want these balls of sadness to melt away. I know it won't go away completely because it is part of life.  But the same people continue to give it to me. I can't understand why I can't forgive. I guess I am looking for a satisfactory  answer that I will never receive. I can't accept lies and deception for selfish-gain and momentarily gratification on my expense.

I have all these positive things in my life that I call my blessings. However, the deceivers want to invade my space that brings this ring of circles. I tried to add the math....2 + 2 = ....but it manages to equal a -5.

After feeling a week of despair, today, February 8th, 2011, my truck got hit by a van as I was waiting to turn into my job site. After realizing the blessings that I received because the accident could have been worse. The lady hit the back of my truck trying to go around me, then she hit the guardrail then almost hit a car in the other lane and managed to stop. Her son hurt his head and her infant girl was still asleep. This accident made all the the ring of circles of life's disappoints just disappear.