I WILL SURVIVE

I have been a single parent most of my adult life. 
I didn't ask to be, but God knew it had to be. He knew my spirit is too free to allow a man to control me. 
I had many opportunities not to be, because my spirit controls me. 
I am not mad that I am. 
I hope those find happiness, because I decided not to return to you after many regrets.
I have none. 
I have the two who makes me want to be the best single parent that God wants me to be.

LEVELS

In our life, we experience different levels of life. There are some levels we reach, it makes sense. It could be a broken heart being healed, so we become stronger even though we open it up again just to shatter the healed parts.

However, we move throughout these levels with knowledge, power, and strength.

But there are a few levels in our life, we have no idea how we got there. We can analysis and discuss it. We can go to counseling for it. There are no answers. We can blame our past. It is so easy to do. But we can't blame it anymore, because we moved up or changed in the levels with a reasonable or unreasonable explanation.

It could be a level of spirituality. It brings a numbness that is presented as  a cold presence. Matter of fact, it is a warm being but it moves the emotional imbalance that causes so much physical and pain throughout the levels of life. It could never be healed because it has already been healed. The warmth comes from being on another plane and seeing the people in it as the being that we are truly.

Bitch Loves The Bitch

You are a  b***h. But your man is the better b***h.

I found an old card  throwing out my trash which include any memories of the torture years of lies. Here is the biggest lie ever.

" Thank you,Christmas, for the kindness, the compassion, and the spirit of giving you inspire.
Thank you, Christmas, for the peace, the joy, and the hope that born each year.
Thank you, Christmas, for the beauty, the wonder and memories yo leave in our hearts.
Wish you  peace, joy,love...all the greatest gifts of the Season, Merry Christmas" ~06'

In his words "The best mother a guy could ask for, Thank you for always being there for me. Thanks for being the greatest mother in the world to my "   ". Regardless of which paths we take in life, I will always be here for you, you will always be in my heart. Thanks your for some of the best years of my life. Love always "   ".

The biggest lie he hasn't made any effort to be the best father to his "   ". But he is up your ass crack like all the other women. He may not have learned to be a good father, but maybe he will learn to be faithful since that isn't in his nature. Or maybe he can be faithful since no woman can tolerate an arrogant asshole. Only weak women like you  can.

Throwing away all the past trash.  Good Riddance.

I will always have the first love of his first.

The Understanding

I try to see the "good" in people but it is hard to see the light of good when some people carry a black heart.

It wears me out that I have slowly become holding this dark feelings that the dark hearts loved to share with me.

It has been extremely hard for me to move forward without feeling that I may hurt people on the way.

My dark lustful ways have taken over in my dreams that I cannot control. It has become a deep desire that would not be acceptable in the  reality. It will only cause pain and deception. It is sinful and immoral. That is something I refuse to be. Or maybe it is me.

It is hard to love and to believe. These do not exist any more. If I began to believe in love then it becomes a dark trap in me. It may feel like "everything" but it eventually falls into "nothing" because I see the world differently with a large eye in the center of my forehead. I see this world in my dreams. People, places, lovers, children, friends.....but mostly....me... (continue...maybe)

THE FORGOTTEN BOY

What a man you have been?
A man who points at another man's sin
Taking credit for what you have done
But repeating the same sin that the other man begun
Taking arms with another love in your life
And claiming that one day she will be your wife
But she doesn't realize that she has been number 4 or maybe five
Knowing all this information may give her an ungodly hive
However, I don't feel sorry for her slow mind
Because she has proven that she is not blind
You are filled with hate, anger and lies
So you deserve the love that the Devil doesn't cries
Because the Devil knows, the Angel you left could bring you peace and joy
Instead, he has become the forgotten boy.

FACEBOOK AKA FAKEBOOK

My best friend and I engaged in a conversation in regards to Facebook. Originally, I was invited to join by my, then, middle school nephew. I figured to ignore the request since we both had MySpace. Most of us were using MySpace to promote and share information. Plus, Facebook looked boring. Finally, a former co-worker requested me to join if I wanted to remain in contact since she moved. So I decided to join because I "thought" I wanted to remain contact with her, but I ended up deleting her in less than a year. So people found me from my past life to my present life. And I also had a crazy female stalker send me a nasty message that had nothing to do with me except her obsession for my daughter and her father. The difference, I had his child and she married him knowingly he never really loved her.

Of course, let not forget my male stalkers. I rejected in person but I guess they wanted to look at my photos. But I am a kind person. Then, it hit me. People read my materials and thought I was entertaining but they never responded. Then, they would find me and whine to me. I could go on. But what is worst, your enemies of your past wanted to be your present Facebook friend. Yeah, we have grown up, but we hadn't grown up that much.

Needless to say, I got rid of it. But I missed my closest friends to share my photos and stories. So I created a new account under an AKA. I had people of my present familiar or familiar ideas. But it repeated itself again, however, the difference was, I liked my friends and became slowly to dislike them.

Unless you are spreading a message, promoting a business or oneself, a needy person, or just a nosey person, it isn't for an opinionated person.

I had a former friend tell me that she liked to be friends with her exes so she could look at their pages. Basically, she told me,"I hope the bastard is miserable and have ugly women for leaving me or doing me wrong". Me, I have no interest of any of my exes returning in my life. They were an ex for a reason. NOT MY PROBLEM.

To my original subject, I sit in class and I see people looking at their Facebook that is free and not paying attention in class that cost, lets see, $80 per credit. Boys are stalking girls. Girls are stalking boys and girls. Who knows! But every person I talk to with a Facebook is talking about someone. I am guilty of it more recently. Like I said, my opinion have left the social network.

I don't beleive in being fake. And Facebook has become it. Fake people. Your real friends do not need a Facebook to keep you updated, it is called an email or a phone call. After I get rid of my 2nd Facebook account, I know which people on my list who will call me.

My Mind

I think of you almost every day.
I don't know why, you never went out of your way.
I try to forget about you as much as I can
It is hard when I dream of you being my forever man
I could never admit my love but I only care
Because I was afraid it would be a scare
I guess it never matter because you got your way
Holding onto your dark past emotions that kept me away
I learned to accept your mistrust in people
But I had to learn that my body is my temple
And my mind knows you cannot respect my way
Maybe my heart should keep you  far far away